


In Front Of MY Salad?!

by HealthDrink



Series: Overwatch Bundle [5]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Hana is me, Humour fic, Huzzah for naughty (and censored) gifs!, I least I didn't watch the actual vid, Jesse x Hanzo - Freeform, M/M, Marked Explicit JIC, McHanzo - Freeform, Overwatch - Freeform, implied Pharmercy, lena is a cinnamon roll, pls don't take this seriously, rocket angel, that sounded better in my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-21 08:32:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HealthDrink/pseuds/HealthDrink
Summary: Jesse is tired of waiting for Hanzo to make a move. He seeks out romantic advice from Overwatch members.He should've listened to Ana. But instead...9





	In Front Of MY Salad?!

**Overwatch HQ**

"You wanted to ask me out." Hanzo started talking in Japanese, probably to calm himself. " **By making me watch a porno**."

"H-Hanz...I can explain... this-this is a mi-"

"And you didn't even have the guts to  **tell me**  it was a porno, McCree. **Chikusho**. You told me this was a YouTube sketch." He looked away from the paused video. "And that those two guys were  **together**." There was no waterfall on this planet that was cold like the tone of Hanzo's voice.

"Like the BANJO WADDLE-BUTT VIDEOS."

"Aaaaaa-- _iiiii_..."

 

**An hour earlier...**

 

Things were looking normal at Overwatch. Winston was experimenting his new electroshock waves alongside Doctor Ziegler in the lab. Lena and Hana were goofing around in the living room, playing Floyd Mayweather Jr's Punch Out 3000, complete with high tech equipment that helped the players actually box against their virtual opponents.

"Come on Hana, you can do it!" Lena cheered for the second placed player of the game. "You can beat Floyd and surpass Fareeha's score!"

Hana started howling towards the big screen, punching swiftly in the air through a work out routine when Mayweather himself entered the ring.

"You're going down, fool-!"

Other youngsters were providing much support to the young Korean soldier. "Go, go! You can do it!" Lucio, Efi and Mei had all completed their duties. They can allow themselves a little fun. Emily, Lena's red haired girlfriend was also there. She was ranked third in the overall Punch Out statistics.

Sombra was in the IT room, checking if all servers were working just fine.

"Why is it so dusty here? I just cleaned it yesterday! Don't they know dust can make these poor babies catch a cold? Estúpido Winston! Estúpido!"

Amelie and Satya were cosily sun bathing together, up on the roof.

"...Et puis ils ont eu la galle pour servir le caviar après quatre heures de l'après-midi! Ne savent-ils pas que c'est mauvais pour l'indigestion??"

"Effectivement. Quelle est la _tragique_."

And Jesse McCree.

The number one BAMF in all Overwatch.

Was currently practising his favourite hobby. 

"Zarya! Your stance is laughable. You're supposed to be pointing the arrow towards the target, not **tearing the bow apart**."

"Da."

"Da?"

"Da sensei."

"That's **better**."

Watching Hanzo... _target practice_. As that dragon tattoo flexed its shoulder blade towards the nearest arrow, Jesse let out a girly sigh. 

_Wish he'd call **me** sensei..._

"This is the stance that you should take. Left arm out..."

Mmm. "Steady on the mark..." Mm- _mm_. "Let one hand loose... and..."

Bullseye.

_Aaaahh... just like this rodeoing heart~_

"I knew I'd find you here."

"AAARGH!" Jesse let out a girly shriek as his unofficial mother figure showed up next to him.

"Can you stop **doing that**?? It's gonna give me a heart attack one of these days!"

And Ana whispered. "No."

"You mind getteng oot of le sunlight? Sataya and ai aré _tryeng_ to get a tan."

"Yes. Keep _try-eng_."

_"What was zat Ana?"_

"Nothing, nothing~"

Moving two steps aside, Ana noticed Jesse was pursing his lips tightly. "It's about him, isn't it?"

Jesse kept looking towards Hanzo. It was quite a hot day. His chiselled, well toned chest was completely exposed to the sunlight.

"...yeah..."

Jesse opened a can of coke with his augmented finger, as Hanzo showed the Overwatch members who took the course for leisure how to...

 _Sigh..._ make **two** bullseyes at once. "Why don't you ask him out?"

Ana managed to avoid the spray of coke coming out of the person next to her by sheer reflexes. "The hell?? I can't do **that**!!"

"Why? Is he not interested?"

"Well... well... he **should** be, judging by that earring..."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"I-It might be a case of _cultural differences_ , Ana."

"Bullcrap. I've seen the way Hanzo stares at you when you're not looking." She pointed towards her face. "And I've only got _one eye_ , Jesse."

"Eet was an accident, Ana. Stop bréngéng eet up."

"EeT wAs an aCCIdent, ANA. StOP brénGéng EET up-U."

That silenced Amelie for awhile. "Now. Hanzo." The veteran solider looked down from the roof. "What's really keeping you, habibti?"

Jesse looked towards a stern Hanzo, who removed an apple from his head placed by his mischievous older brother. "Just look at him. He's _perfect_."

Ana had to raise an eyebrow to that. "Perfect? I hear he's quite moody."

"If you would  _let him_ drink his sake in peace at 6am he'd be in a better mood."

"He's quite anti-social."

"A lot of people insist on talking to the guy in English despite being **Japanese**."

"His brother is also Japanese and has no problem with speaking English."

"Ana. Genji can literally download a dictionary. That is hardly fair. And even **his** English is surprisingly broken sometimes."

"Only when his battery is low."

"See what I mean?"

* * *

The door opened automatically, as the number one champion of Punch Out! entered the room.

"Fareeha!"

Everyone greeted Ana's daughter with glee. Waving back with the same amount of glee, the Egyptian plopped her way towards the soft, untaken couch. It was then they noticed her (very unorthodoxly) uneven hair, making everyone in the room stare at their watches simultaneously. "Captain? Did... did you just wake up? It's like, one pm in the afternoon," Lena stared at the yawning security guard, noting Fareeha might need some sleep. "No seriously... _did you just wake up now_?" 

Mei joined in. "Yeah. That's not like you to sleep in, 'Reeha. Now that you mention it, Zarya did ask me where you ended up this morning."

Fareeha stretched out a little like an overworked cat. "You got me. I woke up two hours ago. Stayed asleep."

It was like she just announced the pork ribs tasted really good. Hana paused the game. "No **fucking** way. That isn't like you at all. You're usually the one who is first awake at 4am!"

Fareeha rolled over, giving the younger OW members her back to see. "Well. I slept in this time." Another yawn. "Time to change a little."

Eh??

"Is this the same Fareeha Amari that made Hana, Lena and Sombra run around the headquarters five times with an old timey stop watch?" Efi could barely be seen behind Lucio. "That was legendary, by the way. But why did they have to do that?" 

Lena and Hana gulped simultaneously. Fareeha lazily turned towards them a little. "Because they tried to escape their cleaning duties for a week."

She went back facing the black front of the couch. "I merely **disciplined** them."

 

**One week before...**

_MUSH! MUSH! NOT FAST ENOUGH!_

_I can't feel my leeegs-!_

_Harry's Firebolt I can't feel my friggin' lungs!_

_I... can't... **enne-thang-!!**_

_This was all YOUR idea Sombra! Why did we get punished with-_

_MUSH! THIS IS JUST A JOG FOR ME! **TWO LAPS TO GO!**_

**_Yes Captain-!_**

 

"This still doesn't explain why you slept in, Fareeha," Lucio wanted to join in too. "N-not that is our business. We just care for you, Cap."

Fareeha sighed, turning towards the younger Overwatch members again. "I had to help Doctor Ziegler with modifications on her new suit."

 _Ooooooh_.

"What's with those looks?" 

Hana smiled, hoping that will not to make Fareeha suspicious of the fact that 80% of the room had an idea or two (or three) what exactly was going on between her and the local doctor. "Nothing!" 

"I agree. What's up with-" Lucio covered Lena's mouth as quickly as possible, nudging Efi to ask Fareeha about the technical details.

That worked. The two engineers started talking tech babble between one another, impressing each other with their knowledge in the subject.

Hana was ready to aim, shoot and change the subject when-

"Guten Abend everyone!"

"Good afternoon Doctor Ziegler~"

 **That** got whatever lazy funk possessing Fareeha to leave her body (and the couch) instantly.

She leaned on one of the cushions, elbow first. " _Good morning_ , Do-oooh!" Unfortunately, she miscalculated the location of the cushion.

That didn't stop Fareeha from casually watching Angela walking towards the couch, the sound of very familiar heels stopping to giggle a little. "Good _morning_ , Captain. Shouldn't it be _afternoon_ now? Have you _slept_ a little? You look like you _didn't have a wink of sleep_ last night."

Fareeha's lips curled upwards. " _Yes_ , Doctor. I'm afraid your... _suit's_ modifications got me a little _worked up._ I had to _sleep in_ during the night."

Hana **had** to roll her eyes.  _They could at least not make it **THAT** obvious._

Angela fixed her falling glasses, wiping some fog which somehow started staining the lenses.

"I forgot to _thank you_ for last night. You were such a _great help_. Now my suit _**feels**  good as new_. And it can _fly up into the sky **without**_ having to use the hook feature. That should prove  _very_ _useful_ in battle."

Fareeha's smile became impossibly wider.

"Like our test flight together? Late at night...? Just you and me..." Her voice got a _little_ lower too. " _Alone_...?"

Huh? Where the doctor's lenses fogging up **again** -?

"You had a test flight together? And you didn't tell us?" Lena chirped in. "That's great! So we're back in business against Talon!"

"Yes, Lena," Angela smiled at the shining beacon of the organisation. "And it's all thanks to _Fareeha_ over here."

Taking advantage of this distraction, she squeezed Fareeha's shoulder a little bit. "As I said..." 

Hana did not miss the light blush and smiles the two women shared between them in those few seconds.

"I cannot thank you enough...  _Captain_."

"Anytime...  _Doctor_."

Urgh. Sometimes.

 **JUST** sometimes. Hana **hated** being right.

Emily started pointing towards the two incognito tabs, making the item gesture with a questioning expression whilst looking at Hana.

Hana nodded like King Mufasa. But made the zipping motion when Emily was _just about to_ squee at the confirmation.

Make that 90%.

* * *

"How long have you known Hanzo?"

"More than ten years."

"Fareeha waited twenty before finally making a move. There is still hope for you."

"I'm not Fareeha, Ana. I do NOT have the patience of a never ending well," Jesse snarled impatiently. "Besides, she was lucky. She met Angela when she was young."

"So... is **that** the hold up? You think you're too old for romance? Or are you waiting for him to take you on a horse ride by the beach?"

Jesse stared at Ana, embarrassment clear on his face. "You **do** know you talk to yourself when you're fast sleep."

 

\--

 _**"**_ _**Hiyah!"** _

_**The white stallion splashed its way against the calm waves, as the two riders held each other tightly on the endless white beach.** _

_" **Oh Hanzo... your stallion is so**_ **big** _**...** _ **_"_ **

_"_   **Īe. Watashi ni kisushite kudasai**. _ **"** _

 

__

__

_"ONE DAY **I SWEAR** YOU WILL BE MINE **."**_

Ana accidentally walked into a drooling Jesse who somehow ended up on the floor. Still fast asleep.

"Not you _too_."

 

\--

 

"You and Fareeha have a lot more in common than you think."

She stared downwards, the archery lesson had just finished.

"Habibti, if you must really know..." Hanzo was now picking up the used arrows against the net and targets. "Hanzo is a romantic dinner by the candlelight kind of guy. Very classy, if still quite too moody for my liking." Tapping her chin a bit, Ana looked at her spiritually adopted son seriously. "Order some expensive sushi. Bring out the best bottle of wine your wallet can afford."

"-and 'e'll be yurs befaire zé clok strikés midnight."

Jesse retorted. "What if I **don't** have that kind of money?"

"Zen you are not wairth eivair 'is air mon time to was-te."

Amelie lifted her sun glass again, indicating the convairsashe-on was over.

"She has a point. Come on, don't tell me you're broke _already_."

"Well..."

 

**The previous night...**

 

_"Hah! I can out drink you without even trying!"_

_"No you can't! And I can prove it. All my money for yours."_

_"All out already? And I'm not even your type! Aahahhaa, you're on Jesse!"_

 

Satya lowered her glasses. "You challenged **_Torbjorn_ ** to a chugging contest? Him? A Swede?" She shook her head in disdain, bringing them back on in a classy way. "Exactly how drunk were you Jesse?"

Jesse lowered his hat in shame.

"...A lot."

All three women laughed at the poor cowboy's expense. He wouldn't find the help he needs **here**. Hanzo looked up a little, catching Jesse off guard.  _Was that a smile?_ And like that, the lone samurai picked up the equipment and headed back to base.  

Jesse didn't even pay attention to what Ana told him as he left the roof.

"-Hey! Come back Jesse! Why do you only listen when you want to-"

**\- slam -**

"I have a **bad** feeling about this."

"Well. We did laugh at him."

"Oh no, not about that Satya. He _did_ deserve that one."

"Then... what are you worried about?"

"About where he's going."

"Oh come on, Ana. Give him some credit," the Indian lady said reassuringly. "Perhaps Jesse is going to Fareeha for some advice right now."

**\-- click --**

"Dios mio! Warn me next time you're gonna switch the lights on!"

Sombra removed the Dr Dre head phones (100% original - sponsored by D.va) turning the chair to face the solitary cowboy invading her territory.

"Sorry Sombra... I just need to talk to someone."

"Eh?" Sombra paused the video she was seeing, as Jesse entered the room, politely closing the door behind him.

"You know everything about... everyone, don't you?"

Jesse knew that one of Sombra's weakness was ego stroking. After making a little twirl on the wheeled chair, he knew he had her by the-

Na. He may be a cowboy. Hero of the day. Man of the hour. But there was no need to be **THAT** rude.

By the... nails? Yeah, he had her by the _electric violet nail polish_.

"Ohoohohohohho~ of course I do~ So... I can assume you're here for a little favour?"

Jesse started seeing many demons and shadow monsters slowly emerging from the depths of Sombra's chair. 

~~**_run away... run awaaaaay..._ ** ~~

Sounds legit.

"Yep. I gotta- hang on," Jesse pointed out towards the open window. "What is that?"

"Hah. Rude," Sombra opened the screen a little wider. "I was just testing these sweet wireless headphones I've got. Check **this** out."

After pressing play, the video resumed.

_"Catch me if you can, Fareeha-li~"_

_"You won't get away with this~~!"_

_"But I just did~~!!"_

_"Come over here Angela~~ I wanna kiss you~!"_

_"Oooooh~~ you gotta reach me first~~ There cannot be an easy hookup between us anymore~~"_

"You missed the  _extremely mushy_ diabetes inducing **♡ _wub_ ♡ **confession literally by a few minutes. They're basically on their honeymoon here."

Despite her infamous reputation, Sombra found the two lovebirds flying around each other under the pale moonlight very endearing. Jesse kept staring at the screen with his eyes bulging out from his skull, not believing what he was seeing.

And **hearing**.

Angela kept evading Fareeha's attempts to hug her in the skies like a pro, teasing the flying Egyptian at every opportunity.

" _Are you sure you don't need my glasses, Fareeha~~? I'll glady let you use them if you wish~~"_

Jesse saw Angela beckoning Fareeha to come towards-

Damn, missed again?

_"But for a price~~"_

_"Allah! Just let me catch you~~!"_

_"Nooo~~ where's the fun in **that** ~~"_

The usually composed surgeon clearly found it hard to try stifling a laugh. What _the hell. Angela isn't this happy when she's with us..._

Until... Jesse could swear on his dearly departed ~~biological~~  mother- the doctor started _pretending_  to act a little lost within some floating clouds in order for-

_"Gotcha!"_

_"Oh noooo, you got meeeee~~ I'm still getting used to these wings. I might fall~~"_

_" **Like hell I'll let go~~!** Hold on tight~~!"_

Clint.  **fucking.** Eastwood.

Was that a slam dunk in the sky?? Also Fareeha and _Angela??_ Jesse was half proud, half jealous of the giggling  ~~idiots~~  comrade-in-arms who, he could see through the video, after dashing their turbo wings all the way up into the midnight sky, _finally_ shared a sweet, tender kiss between them.

Twenty years in the making. **Damn**. Forget the well. Fareeha had the patience of a _saint_.

"But... wasn't Angela... umm... married to her job?"

"In more ways than one **now!**   _Ohohohohohoohho~_ "

"Well... as I said before this... revealing clip distracted me... Sombra. I have a favour to ask."

**II**

"Did I hear right? Did this idiot just ask me for advice? Me? Ask _me_ for some  **ADVICE**?"

Sombra is now staring directly at you. Yes, **you**. 

" _Santiago de Compostela_. Even the readers cannot believe this," the Mexican started chuckling, hands tucked into each other.

"Excellent. Mwa hah  _ **ahaha haha ha** **!**_ "

**I >**

Nothing betrayed Sombra from her fourth wall breaking conversation.

"Continue."  ~~ventosaaa~~

"I... want to..." Jesse couldn't believe what he was about to say. "Be like Fareeha... but with **Hanzo**." 

And they were holding hands **too**. _G_ _oddammit 'Reeha, you're NOT supposed to be better than me._

_I'm the **BAMF** of this town not-_

_"Doctor..."_

_"Captain..."_

_God fucking **dammit** 'Reeha._

"Adorbs. Well enough of **that**."

"Enough of- it  **continues**? Sombra you're shameless."

"What. They mostly rub each other's noses and say very silly stuff to one another like _muh lieb-ling neeh_ ~"

Sombra closed the video and opened another one which was also paused.

"I think you'd like this better. Have you heard of it~?"

"Err..."

He could see a woman near a kitchen counter eating a salad. There were... two men? One was wearing a red apron-

...

" _Sombra_."

"Damn. You heard of this one. I was hoping to have a two girls one cup type of reaction from you. Like Gab-"

"What... _why_ are you watching exactly?" Jesse looked down at the computer desk. "Are those- are those _notes??!"_

"Yes **mom.**  I took plenty already. Do you want to read them?"

Jesse read through the entire notepad.

  * _**Very** engaging dialogue. See me after class._
  * _Oh how sweet, bear kissing shaven bear~_
  * _He keeps doing that. Why does he keep doing that?_
  * _I want that kitchen._
  * _And the Oscar goes to: lady by the kitchen counter! Legendary performance!_



Jesse practically skimmed through the rest.

"I give this video a three out of ten. The kitchen? Seven. It was pretty well decorated."

The cowboy kept staring. "Oh come on, Jesse. I have five terabytes of porn stored on my personal tablet and **everyone** knows that. I don't hide my stuff." The hacker let out a very sly smile, leaning back into the executive chair. "It's just _really hard to find_."

 

**Meanwhile, in an unspecified household belonging to a very famous Overwatch dubber**

 

_"HHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNHG."_

 

**Back to Overwatch HQ**

"And why? I got curious. This meme was everywhere, that's why. Are you satisfied now?"

Jesse kept staring at the paused video.

"Fine. Here. Wear these first."

* * *

"So? What do you think?"

Jesse lowered the very shiny (and stylish) rose pink headphones. "Eh. Five out of ten."

"You combined your score alongside the kitchen's, didn't you?" He nodded.  

"He could've at least held the apron dude's hips a bit more tenderly."

"I wrote that exact same comment when I finally reached the salad part."

"No you didn't-" Jesse stopped at the written line on the notepad. "Blessed Mel Brooks. _You did_." The cowboy's brow grew in worry. "We have the same wavelength?"

"What are friends for otherwise?" Sombra laughed a little. Then, she got a little serious. "So. About Hanzo."

"Yeah?"

Sombra stared at the finished video. 

" _I have an idea_."

* * *

An unspoken evil transcended throughout the very planes of existence.

Rolls of purple thunder descended upon an unsuspecting cowboy begging for help.

In order words, Sombra just let out a smile.
    
    
    "Mwa ha ha ha ha **ha ha**."

* * *

"Arigato for the invite, McCree."

" _It's not a problem Hanz._  I saw you before when you finished your archery lesson. You looked **so tense.**  I though you might use some company, **darl~~"**

"What is this?"

"It's a challenge video. Many youngsters are doing this stuff in their leisure time. You told me you wanted to find some time to relax... no?"

"Hmm. Perhaps."

Jesse didn't show it, but he was sweating buckets under his most trusted poncho and cowboy heels.

 _Sombra... this better not blow up in my face..._ he held onto the instruction paper she made for him.

_Just follow my instructions. Click on the right moments of the video. Pause and see his reactions. Maybe **he'll** come to kiss **you**. _

To be fair though. Sombra gave her all in order to help him.

Why did the gal have such a bad reputation...?

* * *

At that moment, Sombra's mobile started ringing.

_♫ Bonjour from the other siiiiiiiiiii~de~ ♫_

**\- click -**

"Hello hello?"

**"SOMMMMMMMMMMMMMBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!"**

"Hello Gabe~ Finally found that video I placed alongside your Food Network downloads? Took you long enough."

"I SHOWED THAT TO **ANA** YOU FUCKING MEXICAN THOT--!"

"Language, Gabe! This may be an explicit fanfic, but there's **no** need to go that far."

" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH** _just wait until I GET MY HANDS ON YOU_ \--!!" 

"Ha ha **ha**. _Good one Gabe_. Good one."

* * *

"I kin't recon' it! Dree times! Ah' cannot whup' dis sucker! Sump'n be very wrong in all uh dis! Right on!"

"Hana. Talking jive to a virtual Mayweather won't help you beat him. Also please stop doing that."

Hana threw a shocking pink punching glove simulator straight onto Fareeha's face without warning.

"I dare thee to a duel, vile v'rmin!"

"Oh you're talking Shakey! Can I join in?"

"NAY."

"B-but **I'm** the English person between all of us..."

Fareeha looked at the glove that was shoved onto her cheek. It seemed she struggled with it by simply staring towards it. "Really Hana. We're doing this. Why should I-"

A very familiar person walked towards the couch, hips swaying smoothly from one side to another. Fareeha's throat suddenly became _very dry._

"Aren't thee going to taketh the dare?" Blonde lashes fluttered a little, as Doctor Ziegler sat down on the cushy couch. A sly finger slowly traced the palm of the empty glove, using that same finger to fix a stray strand of hair behind Fareeha's ear.

" _Champ_...?"

 **That** got Fareeha standing up.  _Distemperate funk beest damn'd._

Hana had to, gritting her teeth against the mush mellowness between the two. 
    
    
    "Can thee **prithee** keepeth thy mushiness to yourselves f'r once."

Fareeha wore the pink glove instantly, making the small audience cheer for the only person who beat the virtual Mayweather in the headquarters. The security guard captain redirected her thoughts to the fighting game, but not before letting out a wink towards the seated doctor.

" **Verily**."

Shit. Where did Fareeha get all of this energy from-?

"Hana, as an English woman, I must tell you this." Lena said this with utmost seriousness.

"Thou dun goof- **est**."

* * *

_**Speaking of dun goofing...** _

"McCree. Why do you keep skipping? It is very annoying."

"Errr... because of the buffering! You know me and technology I'm not exactly Efi or 'Reeha-"

"Then why don't you go back-"

"NO. No no **no** , there is no need to do so-"

The handsome one started kissing the bear. Hanzo's eyes slit down suspiciously.

"I have a question."
    
    
      **"Yes?"**
    

"These two. They're... together, yes? But... how does he even find the other guy's lips with all that fur on his face?"

Jesse started stroking his beard self consciously. _Was that... was that a hint...? Maybe I should trim a bit-_

"Matsu. What's that guy doing to that other guy?"

Jesse looked straight down onto Sombra's notes. He panicked instantly.

"Ohlookit'sstuckagaingottafixthat-!"

"McCree." Jesse paused the video. "If you do that one more time I'm leaving. You told me this is a Buzzfeed video. This **IS** a Buzzfeed video..." Hanzo's stern, piercing glare towards the screen both ~~aroused~~ confused and scared Jesse a little. "...right?"

Thankfully, they reached the ~~in~~ famous salad scene.

The two men were chopping some vegetables, as the camera **thankfully** was focusing on the unsuspecting lady calming eating her lunch.

"So... the two guys. Are they involved? Is this their roommate? You keep skipping, I have no idea what's going o- **wait a second**."

Hanzo kept staring at the screen, mouth gaping wide imitating a hungry koi fish to perfection.

"Are those guys-"

" _Are you guys fucking?_ "

"Right in front of-"

" _ **Right in front of my salad**??_ "

"Now that I think about it, the guy at the back looks really surprised that he's f-

_"And you're **only** my **husband**!"_

" _No_..."

That was enough.

Hanzo closed the laptop, heaving breaths coming from his nostrils making the only sound heard within the room.

Damn. The horizon looked pretty nice from here-

" **JESSE**."

W-wasn't it supposed to be summer? It-it feels like winter came-

" **THAT WAS NOT BUZZFEED**." _Winter came alright_.

"And those two guys were **not** together. He was **cheating** on her." Hanzo eyes couldn't have gotten wider. "THE POOR SALAD LADY."

Okay. Fuck it. It's now or never.

"H-H-Hanzo. This was-was a misunderstanding. I-I-wanted to a-ask you out and-"

That somehow made the choking atmosphere in the room squeeze Jesse's throat **EVEN WORSE**.

"You wanted to ask me out." Hanzo started talking in Japanese, probably to calm himself. " **By making me watch a porno**."

"H-Hanz...I can explain... this-this is a mi-"

"And you didn't even have the guts to  **tell me**  it was a porno, McCree. **Chikusho.**  You told me this was a YouTube sketch." He looked away from the paused video. "And that those two guys were  **together**." There was no waterfall on this planet that was cold like the tone of Hanzo's voice.

"Like the BANJO WADDLE-BUTT VIDEOS."

"Aaaaaa-- _iiiii_..."

" **What kind of person do you think I am**." Hanzo got up, aiming straight for the door. "You... _sick_. _Demented_. **TWISTED**.  ** _PERVERTED_**."

The tattooed samurai let out a look that even the scream guy would've found scary.

" **BAKA**."

Jesse turned into a statue made out of stone as the word kept echoing in the room.

**LOSER. LOSER. LOSER.**

_\-- BAKA --_

"Ha-Hanzo! This was a misunderstanding! You gotta-!"

**\- slam -**

"... _believe me_..."

 He kept staring at that stupid video.

This was a **stupid** idea.

_Hanzo is a romantic dinner by the candlelight kind of guy. Very classy, if quite a moody, handsome, misunderstood kind of **rouge**. _

_**My** kind of rouge._

Why didn't he listen to Ana??

_Habibati. I didn't say **any** of the last part. You **really**  only listen to what you want._

_\- sigh -_

_Order some expensive sushi. Bring out the best bottle of wine your wallet can afford._

_And 'e'll be yurs befaire zé clok strikés midnight._

_Where did you-??_

"Fucking Amelie and her stupid poshness..." Jesse grabbed his bearded chin as he started tearing up. 

_Goddammit... how will I look at him in the eye **now**?? I've been waiting for more than ten years... maybe I should've gone to Fareeha..._

**TAKE HIM. TAKE HIM TO THE BUSHES AND FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT.**

_I can't believe it._ Not even **she** was stupid enough to do what HE DID with Lucio.

Jesse started slamming his head against the wall. Stupid. _Stupid. **Stupid**._

Why did he listen to Sombra of all-

Of all...

**OF ALL--!!**

The unused coke can Jesse kept in his augmented hand was squashed like a bug with a **very** familiar Mexican's face on it.

* * *

"Goddammit! I just can't seem to beat this loser!"

Fareeha laughed, looking at her improved score. It stayed unbeaten. "Today's a great day!" Angela clapped alongside the others, "But I gotta admit... I feel **pretty** tired now..." Fareeha sat next to the doctor nonchalantly. Stretching lazily into the air, one of Fareeha's arms _mysteriously_ ended up landing behind where Angela was seated.

The doctor in question stayed immersed into the best selling autobiography 'How to Sew and Get Away With It' by Doctor R. Trager.

_It's so good it'll snap your fingers off with every flipped page!_

That's a review quote written on the digital front cover. Only doctors can appreciate that kind of dark humour.

Despite that, a small smile escaped from Angela's lips, moving into the seating position to make herself more comfortable.

"At least he doesn't scream Koko Desuka the second you try to approach him. You beat THAT GUY, you can beat anyone."

"Who are you talking about exactly?"

All little nerds gathered around the big chief nerd, as Fareeha crossed her legs on the occupied couch.

Hana stayed near the monitor screen, posing to look cool, but still listened to the wise master.

"Gather around, children. Let me take you back into a distant land... a land called 1996..."

* * *

_Quite a long while ago... whilst playing on an emulator..._

_"Koko Desu Ka?"_

**"FUUUUCK-!!!"**

* * *

"Oh, I remember **that** guy." 

Everyone looked up. Sombra approached them, with a small smile on her face. She stayed next to the giant monitor screen.

"He was cheap as fuck. The secret was to use either Robert or Leona against him. Bitch couldn't handle a few knives."

"And to block. Don't forget to block."

"That goes unsaid, you know?"

The young students listened to their elders. "He was that bad?"

"Let's just say cheat codes and pro-gamers are still afraid of the spiky blonde guy's **name** to this very day."

" **WOW**."

"Yeah, and there was an even worse one in the 2002 version where _why am I suddenly getting the feeling that I need to run._ "

"What feeling?"

"Shit. **I**  can feel it too," the youngest BAMF in the room stepped outside of Sombra's circle. "That's better. Yep. It's just you I'm afraid."

"What are you talking ab-"

 

**SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO _OOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_**

 

Dios mio.

That did not sound like Reyes.

_That did not sound like Reyes at all._

The younger Shimada brother teleported near Sombra, telling her only one word to explain the situation.

"Run."

_**"COME HERE! THIS WILL ONLY HURT FOREVER-!!!"** _

 Sombra did what she did best when cornered.

" _Gottaeattolivegottastealtoeattellyouallaboutit **when I got time**_ \--!!"

She ran away like a sissy girl.

Fareeha and the others could only stare as the usually composed cowboy descended on the living room red as an erupting volcano.

" **WHERE**."

They all pointed towards the only exit.

"I'd go for the armoury if I were you~"

" **Thank you Genji**."

As the red themed poncho left the building, Angela stared quizzically towards the cybernetic ninja.

"Didn't you... and your brother...?"

"Under the bridge. Everyone has a bad day now and then."

All members stared at his augmented body. "But... he tried to _ki_ -"

"Water. under. the. bridge~"

Hana went near Fareeha sensei. " _He's planning something_." Right on cue, Hanzo showed up in the living room.

"Say chīzu~ brother!" Genji placed two hands over his hips. His green visor flashed as Hanzo stared with big, puffy eyes towards him.

"Aaaaah... you were absolutely _right_ Fareeha. Today is a **GREAT** day~"

Genji left the area whilst humming the theme of the movie Akahige. Hanzo kept staring, his catatonic stance remained unchanged.

"Eh... Hanzo?" Mei and the rest were legitimately worried. "Are you alright...?" 

He kept mumbling the same thing over and over.

"Anata wa otoko o shitte iru to omou. 
    
    
    Anata wa otoko o shitte iru to omou.
    
    
    Anata wa otoko o shitte iru to omou.
    
    
    Anata wa otoko o shitte iru to omou."

"What's he saying?"

Everyone turned towards Hana.

She sighed heavily.

"You think you know a guy."

 

**Bonus ending**

 

It's been two weeks since the incident happened between Hanzo and Jesse.

Talon let out their usual attack. Overwatch was protecting the base. Jesse kept staring towards their strengthened defences.

**"JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE-!"**

**"YOU'RE POWERED UP, GO-!"**

**"I'M IN, BITCHES-!"**

**"Non un escapes mon sigh-!"**

**"Cheers mate, cavalry's quee- HERE-!"**

**"Wooooooo-hooooo! NERF THIS SUCKEEEEERS~!"**

Forget the coke. He could really use a drink right now-

"It seems we are not needed."

The earth stood still for a moment.

Lowering his sun kissed cowboy hat, Jesse kept staring towards the ongoing battle, stroking his trimmed beard.  _He's talking to me...?_

"Y-yeah. I guess we should-"

"We should make out."

The cowboy entered a state of pure stupor. He remained completely immobile, not believing what he just heard.

"Ah-eh-ho-eh-an-naaaa _you're you're joking ha...you're killing me Hanzo..._ "
    
    
    Icouldreallyuseadrinkrightnow 

" **You're** killing my patience."
    
    
     **Icouldreallyuseadrinkrightnow**  

"Come."

I could _really_ use a  **what now.**

Jesse sheepishly followed Hanzo back into the virtually hollow Overwatch living room as one of his many dreams _finally_ came true.

" **♡** Ehehehe _hehehehehehehe_ ~  **♡** "

"Shush~ They'll hear us~  **♡"**

A bugling ring coming from an imaginary white horse could be heard in the distance.

 

 **X** ~~**♡♡♡♡♡** ~~ **X**
    
    
      **終わり  
    
    Sayonara Cowboy  **
    

**X** ~~**♡♡♡♡♡** ~~ **X**

**Author's Note:**

> Ie. Watashi ni kisushite kudasai: No. Please kiss me.
> 
> So... this idea won't let me go. Still studying. Had to complete this McHanzo fic OR do something EVIL. (Like eat an ENTIRE BOX OF DOUGHNUTS or something) Marked the fic at Explicit juuust in case. The (in)famous meme referenced in question is not exactly SFW. I sincerely hope this doesn't give you guys a bad impression of me. ^^''''
> 
> Also... hello McHanzo fandom! *waves* plsdontkillme
> 
> Edit 2018: Genji was the YOUNGEST Shimada bro? Why the hell did he even get executed? Gotta fix that _whoops_.
> 
> Bonus ending was based on a McHanzo fanart I've seen once but for the love of me I can't seem to find it to leave a link.
> 
> Ta-ta!


End file.
